GMI Joke Thread!

[mikmak]

Originally Posted by mikmaks in box

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:
'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'.

This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of
the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the
next day:

'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'.

As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and
lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.

The bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery ...
and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.....

Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's.....

You'll be a lot happier and live longer.

Life is fun if you weaken in time to enjoy it .

Smile already!

[steverino]

LOL funny. I'm going to pass this along to my ASSinine friends

[chakis24]

haha. good one

[rmodys]

Haha that was good. Now off to school...

[shadams]

A girl is home from college on spring break and comes into the kitchen and nervously says "Mom, um, I lost a bottle of pills that says ecstasy on the label, have you seen them?" The mom screams, "SCREW THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGON ON THE CEILING!!!"

[Hood Scoop]

One morning, a man calls his attorney's office. The receptionist answers and the man says, "Is Mr. Jones available?".

The receptionist pauses and replies, "I am sorry, but Mr. Jones passed away last night."

The next morning the man calls his attorney's office. The receptionist answers and the man says, "Is Mr. Jones available?".

The receptionist tells the man, "I am sorry, but as I told you, Mr. Jones is dead."

The next morning the man calls his attorney's office. The receptionist answers and the man says, "Is Mr. Jones available?".

The receptionist tells the man, "Mr. Jones passed away two days ago, his funeral is this afternoon."

For several weeks, the man repeatedly calls and receives the same news from the receptionist.

One morning the exasperated receptionist screams at the man, "Don't you understand? Mr. Jones is DEAD!" The man replies, "Oh, I know, I just get so much enjoyment from hearing you say that."

[shadams]

A farmer is having trouble getting his rooster to do the do and get his chickens to lay eggs, so he decides he's going to go to the state fair and buy last years prize winning rooster in the hopes he can get things moving around the farm. So the farmer pays $500 for the big'ol rooster thats guaranteed to give the other roosters a run for their money. He gets him home and puts him in the pen, and without hesitation the Rooster marches in to the henhouse. Squawkin, feathers flying and beaks a peckin the rooster gets after it and this continues into the night. The farmer's happier then a pig in sh it, as it was good money spent. Come morning the farmer is sure the roosters had enough, when he hears his cries from one of his other animals. He grabs his shotgun sure he's going to have to shoot him a coyote or fox, but finds the rooster getting it on with one of his goats. He shrugs it off but this goes on all day, one goat to the next. The next morning, he finds the rooster boogie dancing with the pigs, and he tells the rooster "Son, your gonna have to settle down, your gonna kill yourself if you keep goin at that rate". The rooster pays him no mind, and again, finishes off one pig after another. This goes on with all the animals, until one morning all is calm at the farm. The farmer goes out to do his rounds, lo and behold, finds the rooster laying sprawled out in the middle of the barnyard, dead. "Aww, I knew it" the farmed yelled. He walks over to collect the roosters body and kneels down and says "What did I tell you, you done screwed yourself to death". Just as he his about to pick up the roosters carcass, one of the roosters eyes opens up, and he says "Shhhhh". The farmer is dumbfounded. "What?" he says, and the rooster replies "Shhhh" he then lifts one wing up, pointing toward the sky and says "Buzzards".

[firemedicbaz]

Originally Posted by likearock00

^ Good Lord, how long did it take you to type all that??

How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
-She opens the car door

What do blondes say after sex?
-Thanks guys!

What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
-They both have a cockpit

What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
- 2 tight ends and a wide reciever

What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang 'em the looser they get

What is the difference between a Boeing 747 and a blonde?
Not eveyone has been on a Boeing 747

What do you call a bunch of blondes waiting in line?
A wind tunnel

You loose a dollar bill in a room, who gets the dollar bill?
a. Santa Claus
b. The Easter Bunny
c. The Tooth Fairy
d. The Smart Blonde

answer - none of the above none of these things really exist

[shadams]

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church...

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had
s*x with Nookie Green everyweek for the last month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three
Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been
Two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Nookie Green
twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very
short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy
gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs
slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie
Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[likearock00]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
work boots, used, size 14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:

I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up
from the slaughterhouse. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them,
but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
wait out here on the porch.

'Cooter'