GMI Joke Thread!

[BigAls87Z28]

Ok, we all get those emails with the funny jokes, so lets post them up here. Post up a funny joke to make those who read GMI durring the day a little better.

Ok, two I got from another website..

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was
having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the
cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby
tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another
man.The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership,and he even pays the
monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said,
'What would you do?
'The cabby said......



I'd cover his a$$ with that blanket before he catches a cold.'




A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence ------
HUSBAND: "Ahhh crap."

[BigAls87Z28]

Lets not get political on this...but last one tonight...

President Bush was informed that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq while trying to rescue Jessica Lynch. Bush, visibly shaken, asked "How many is a brazilian?"

[likearock00]

Originally Posted by BigAls87Z28

Lets not get political on this...but last one tonight...

President Bush was informed that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq while trying to rescue Jessica Lynch. Bush, visibly shaken, asked "How many is a brazilian?"

LOL! I should probably not contribute to this thread. My jokes are not very nice....

Shouldn't this be in the "Fun Zone"?

[tomprice]

Originally Posted by BigAls87Z28

Lets not get political on this...but last one tonight...

President Bush was informed that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq while trying to rescue Jessica Lynch. Bush, visibly shaken, asked "How many is a brazilian?"

LOL! brilliant..
-----------------------
Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.""Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
-----------------------
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
-----------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I cut off your arms."
-----------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One says to the other, "Dam!"
-----------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that "You can't have your kayak and heat it too."
-----------------------
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-----------------------
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal" The other goes to a family in Spain, who call name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds: "They're twins! Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
-----------------------
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a handsome set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail... and because of his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (brace yourself) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
-----------------------

Lady P: "yes Parker - come here please"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to unbutton my dress front"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to unzip my dress back"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to take off my dress"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to unclip my bra"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to remove my bra"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Paker, I want you to slip down my tights"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to take of my tights"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to pull down my panties"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker, I want you to remove my panties"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady"
Lady P: "Parker"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady ?"
Lady P: "I never want to find you wearing my clothes again"
Parker: "yes Mi'Lady".
-----------------------
Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot Men are in the bath.
Bill says ; "Flobadobadobahflobble"
Ben says; "If you fart again you're getting out!"
-----------------------
How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

What do you mean, change it?!? It's a perfectly good light bulb. Been in the family for generations!!!
-----------------------


--> isnt work email just great??

[New_Mexico_Sunset_on_Rt66]

What did the redneck say before he died?

"Hey, y'all, watch this!!

[shadams]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting on the front porch?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the pool?

Bob

[atomicshark]

Originally Posted by shadams

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting on the front porch?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the pool?

Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall?

Art

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs under your car?

Jack

[BrickTamland]

"How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At Michigan it takes 2, 1 to change it and 1 to brag how they did it every bit as good as ivy league school.

At OSU it takes 2, 1 to screw it in and 1 to time it to make sure they did it faster than Michigan

At OU it takes 5, 1 to bring the weed and 4 to smoke it while they all imagine they did it

At Miami it takes 0 cause everyone refuses to do it until they can find a J. Crew light bulb.

At BG it takes 0 because they are all too drunk from the night before to care whether or not the lights are on."

[t-rex]

Why don't yuppie women attend funerals?
Nobody makes black tennis skirts.

How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

[paul8488]

Originally Posted by tomprice

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a handsome set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail... and because of his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (brace yourself) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Ha! That's billiant! That's my kind of joke!

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

[Smashing1]

I have held many jobs in my life. One of the most amusing was when I worked at a gas station.....

I was working the late shift one night when a penguin came in the door. He looked up at me and asked "Got any grapes?"

I replied "No sir, this is a gas station, we don't sell grapes."

He walks out the door.....

Next night I am working again when the same penguin walks in the door.

"Got any grapes?" he asks.

Again, I reply "No sir, his is a gas station. We do not sell grapes!"

He saunters back out the door.

The next night I am working, who walks in but the penguin. Again, he looks up at me behind the counter and asks "Got any grapes?"

Losing my patience with this animal, I curtly reply "For the last time, no, we do not have any grapes! And if you ever come in my store again and ask for grapes, I am going to nail your gad damned feet to the floor!!".

The penguin quickly exits the store!

A couple of days go by, with no sign of the penguin. But low and behold, one late night, he come in again. He apprehensively walks up to the counter, and asks me "Got any nails?"

I reply "What the hell does this look like, a hardware store? Of course I do not have any nails ya moron!"

To which he replies "Got any grapes?"

he he he

[shadams]

A pirate walks into a bar with Steering wheel sticking out of his pants. A guy sitting at the bar, after a few drinks, says "Hey, uhh, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate looks at him and says "Aye matey, it's driving me nuts"

[cemaxc]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" . . .

[likearock00]

^ Good Lord, how long did it take you to type all that??

How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
-She opens the car door

What do blondes say after sex?
-Thanks guys!

What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
-They both have a cockpit

What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
- 2 tight ends and a wide reciever

[91 s-10baja]

What do you call a cow w/ no legs?
ground beef

What do you call a dog w/ no legs?
You can call it whatever you want, he still will not come to you

What do you call a deer w/ no eyes?
no i deer
What do you call a dear w/ no eyes and no legs?
Still no i deer
What do you call a deer w/ no eyes, no legs and no nuts?
Still no ***** I Deer